“Where is you pencil George?”
“I ain’t got one”
“Say,”I haven’t a pencil.”
“Gee,where are all the pencils?”

One day, a teacher told her class to study their spelling words for homework, she would ask to hear them the next day. So a boy went home and asked his brother to help him. His older brother was watching tv and said, “Shut up!”. Next, he went to his older sister. His older sister was listening to music and said, “OOOOH! ooh!”. He then goes to take the garbage out and sees the garbage man. He asks him for help all he says is, “Garbage! Garbage! Smelly garbage!”. He then goes back in and talks to his little brother who is watching batman and he says, ” nananananananan BATMAN!”Lastly, he went to his mom cooking bread and she said, “MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!” The next day at school, his teacher asked him to tell her the words. He said, “Shut up!”. “Young man, you will respect me.” “OOOH! Oooh!” ” That’s it, go to the principle’s office!” So the boy goes to the principle’s office and the principle asks, “What do you learn at this school?” the boy says, ” Garbage! Garbage! Smelly garbage!” ” Who do you think you are?” “nananananananana BATMAN!” So the principle spanks him and asks, “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?” “MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!”

Tim:Daddy,do you like baked apples?
Tim:The orchard is burning.

Advertising Operators-Ever get tired of those people? Always calling to sell you their products or to “upgrade” your phone plan. Say this to gettem’ outta your hair.

When they ask to speak with you, say “Just a moment,” and give the phone to a six-year old child to carry on the conversation.

Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, “Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?”

“This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording.”


Mom- “Go ahead, Janie. Eat your broccoli.”

Janie- “Do I have to?”

Mom- “Yes, so you can grow up and be a pretty girl”

Janie- “Mommy, why didn’t you eat your broccoli?”

Walmart-Bored at Wal-mart? Try these

* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come Robin–to the Bat cave!”
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”

Elevator-Bored in an elevator? Do this

When people get on, ask for their tickets.
When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say “that’s mine!”

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Ask, “Did you feel that? I felt a rumble.”

Swat at flies that don’t exist.

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework.


167 thoughts on “Jokes

  1. Her is another one
    ok so a kid doesn’t know a lot of English so he took an English day his teacher told him to say a sentence with the words pink, green, and yellow in it. so he says;”When the phone goes green green I pink it up n say yellow.

  2. its funnier when I say it; I use an accent♡♥♫☮☼❤❥Lisa♡♥♫☮☼❤❥

  3. ok a kid makes a fortune teller and says to one kid, can u tell me my fortune? ok, the other kid says.he takes the papper,unfolds it and reads all the fortunes out loud,” If you are named jimmy joe you will live happily forever, if your not jimmy you wont,If you are jimmy joe you are smart,If you are jimmy joe you will marry some one rich, If you are jimmy joe you will be happy, jimmy joe is adorable,jimmy joe loves puppies, and jimmy joe is perfect.”The other kid then writes you will forever be alone in life and unpleasant beacause of your selfichness. only seconds later did he realize his name is Jimmy Joe!
    I know its Long But I guess its funny

  4. does anybody have any jokes about how to tell you’re an idiot??? I’ve got one: 1. you think a garnish is a type of really rare food, and you search the world to find it until somebody tells you it’s just parsley

  5. james- will u remember me in a minute? john- yes james- a day?
    john-yes james-a month? john-yes james – a year?
    james- knock knock john- whos there?
    james- you forgotten me already!!

  6. James: Will you remember me in a minute?
    John: Yes!
    James: A day?
    John: Yes!
    James: A month?
    John: Yess!!!
    James:A year?
    James: Knock Knock
    John: Who’s there?

  7. I have some Moshi Monsters jokes!
    1:What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time?
    Please to EAT you!
    2:On which day do monsters eat people?
    3:Why did luvli keep her trumpet in the fridge?
    Because she like COOL music!
    4:What do sea monsters eat for supper?
    Fish and SHIPS!
    5:A Katsuma, a poppet and a diavalo are travelling through the desert.They come accross a magician and a slide. The magician says, “whatever drink you call out when u go to the slide,you will land on a big pool of it. Katsuma called TOAD SODA! Then poppet called Essence of blue! Then Diavalo went down the slide and shouted WEEEE! (Oops)

  8. Okay,

    Mom: Umm…( Speechless ) Ur not holding any cheese…
    Me: No mom, I mean the mouse on my computer!
    Mom: Well then, how did it follow u?
    Me: It was plugged in!


  9. I got knock knock jokes!

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Lettuce who?
    Lettuce in and we’ll tell u!

    Get it? Lettuce-( Let us )

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Woo-hoo who?
    Don’t get excited, it’s just a joke!

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Figs who?
    Figs the doorbell, its broken!

    Get it? Figs-( Fix )

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Annie who?
    Annie thing you can do, I can do better!

    Get it? Annie-( Any )

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Yukon who?
    Yukon say that again!

    Get it? Yukon-( You can )

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Theodore who?
    Theodore is stuck and it won’t open!

    Get it? Theodore-( The door )

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Boo who?
    You don’t need to cry about it.

    Get it? Boo who-( Boo-hoo

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